Persuasion 101: The Differences Between Men and Women
Understanding The Differences Between Men and Women
Differences Between Men and Women: Attracting another human being is perhaps the ultimate sale.
Sure you can get upset at not hitting your sales targets at work. Or even feel a little offended when someone views the home you are trying to sell and doesn’t like it. But when you go all in on selling yourself to another human being, and they reject you, nothing stings quite as bad.
I have always been interested in the skills of how to influence people but I am fascinated by the psychology of attraction! However, it’s a relatively new passion of mine. When my marriage ended in 2011, I found myself approaching middle age, not having dated since I was 19 years old and with no idea what to do next.
Where does a thirty-seven year old divorced Dad go to find women?
A Divorced Dad Dating Again
The last time I was single the standard place to meet girls was a nightclub or bar. By this point in my life, it had been a good decade since I had even stepped foot inside a nightclub.
I did try it, one Saturday I called up an old friend of mine and suggested we hit the town as we used to in the good early days. Boy, we were fired up as we queued to get into the club. I felt a massive rush of freedom and excitement. So, I allowed my mind to wander as we shuffled forward in the cold night air.
I imagined hooking up with a stunning girl and taking her home at the end of the night for crazy, wild sex. When I got inside the venue, all my enthusiasm fell through the floor. I looked around at the girls busting their moves on the dance floor, and I suddenly felt like a pedophile.
These girls looked only a little bit older than my daughter. I suddenly felt like the oldest man alive, like old father time had turned up to collect his daughter. At that moment I realized that everything I thought I knew about meeting women was wrong, out of date and useless to me.
I was in trouble!
I was a very successful, intelligent and reasonably attractive man with a lot to offer but I had no idea how to approach or talk to women. As I left that club the words of my mother started to ring in my head.
The day I told my mother that I was divorcing my wife she placed a caring hand on my cheek and said ‘Oh Craig, what are you doing? You are too old for this nonsense, you are not going to find someone else at this time of your life’.
I mean, pretty much the worst thing she could have said to me at this powerfully difficult moment in my life – thanks a bunch Mom!
The problem is I had created some very lofty ideals about whom I was going to share my life with. I knew the character, morals, and strengths of this beautiful woman long before I met her. I knew she was out there and I also knew that at my current level or ability in this area of life I had virtually no chance of meeting her.
Never mind persuading her to date me.
The most prominent mistake that men make when trying to attract women is making the erroneous assumption that women process attraction the same way as men do. Yes, there are big differences between men and women!
There are particular and compelling differences between men and women and how they operate. What I have discovered is it doesn’t matter how modern or liberal we become as a society, the fundamental rules of genetics dictate what is and what is not attractive to us.
Perhaps one of the primary differences between men and women is males are visually stimulated creatures (no surprise there). Of course, it is easy to brand men as being shallow and sex-mad, but it’s not our fault. We are programmed by our DNA to find healthy hosts for our children. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but Mother Nature is a no-nonsense sort of girl.
Back when we were cavemen, and before the advance of medical science, the only way to assess health was by looking at what was in front of us. Don’t forget that back then if you made it past thirty years old, you were decrepit.
So if you were a young woman of child-bearing age, which looked healthy, you were (and still are) genetically attractive to the human male.
They say men are led by the contents of their underpants, that view is a little unfair. Men are influenced by what they see, and you can’t blame them for that. As a result, many men are willing to sacrifice intelligence, personality and even overall compatibility in favor of looks.
Because men are programmed to work on such a simple measurement of attractiveness they operate in a black and white way. They look at a woman and they are either attracted to them, or they are not. The whole process takes less than seven seconds. This is just one of the primary differences between men and women.
The huge mistake that guys make is they assume that women operate in the same way. They don’t, and attraction for a woman is not a binary option. There are hundreds of shades of grey in between black and white for women.
This is why I say that men are a switch and women are a dial.
Women are also victims of the genetic evolution. If you are a confirmed feminist, you make not like this, but there is not a lot you can do about it.
Females are programmed to find reliable, alpha males to father their children. They are not looking for a weak lower member of the pack who is going to disappear at the first opportunity. The genetic code is looking for robust, powerful and confident males who are the top of the totem pole looking down on the pack, not the other way around.
The Differences Between Men and Women
Now, of course, you can’t look at someone as see all those qualities in the space of a few seconds. You have to get to know them, and slowly you will uncover the value (or lack of) within. This quirk of evolution is why women will sacrifice looks for success, money, position, and power.
How many times have you seen a fat, ugly millionaire with a stunningly attractive wife?
We like to throw insults at these women too; we call them gold diggers. However, once again we can’t blame people for this behavior. It is reasonable and predictable.
Men Are From Mars Etc.
So there are differences between men and women, no huge shock there. However, both sexes make a significant mistake by assuming the other opposite sex feels the same way that they do. Men focus heavily on how they look. Big muscles and considered the epitome of attractiveness for a lot of guys.
Women get frustrated because guys don’t pick up on all of the emotions in those shades of grey between black and white.
Understanding how human being responds and react to life does not mean you are out to manipulate them.
However, it does allow you to communicate in a much more powerful and attractive way. For example, because men are so binary in their thinking, they tend to fall in love quicker than women. Obviously, I am talking about the context of two people who are both looking for a relationship and not a one-sided situation.
All too often the male is only looking for sex, and the woman thinks it’s going somewhere long term. Of course, it does happen the other way around too, but the default is for the man to be less committed.
When A Man Loves A Woman
When a man decides he likes a woman and wants to get into a long-term relationship with her. It is usually the male who uses the L word first, or at the very least thinks it first. This is because a lot less data is processed to arrive at that decision than is going on inside the mind of a female.
Women are looking for something a bit deeper and more complicated in the man they settle down with. They want to see how he handles himself in various situations.
They will most likely want to witness how he is with their friends. If he has any friends of his own. What is his attitude towards animals and children, does he treat people with respect and would he defend her if the need arose.
Nice Guys Finish Last, But Why?
Nice guys all over the planet have forever been frustrated that girls seem to go after the bad boys and then come complaining that he treated them poorly.
These shy boys are genuinely confused why any girl could be attracted to guys who are so obviously assholes. Especially when there is a loving, attentive guy sitting right next to her, diligently listening to her tales of woe.
Does she not realize I love her and I would never treat her like that, they ponder. Yes, she knows, of course, she knows!
What nice guys don’t realize is what women say they want in a man and what they find attractive are not always the same thing.
Women are attracted to bad boys because these guys exude confidence and self-esteem. They are at the top of the totem pole looking down on the rest of the pack. They are alpha males, and genetics dictates that they are reliable providers and ergo good father material.
Where Are You on The Totem Pole?
Meanwhile, the ‘nice guy’ is patiently drying her tears and agreeing how awful it all is. He would do anything for her, and she knows it. He has placed himself beneath her on the totem pole of attractiveness and has failed to push himself pass her evolutionary filters.
Now you may perhaps wonder why women stay with these douchebags long after they realize that all the self-confidence and bad attitude was not such a positive trait after all.
All negative behavior comes from fear and not strength as it can at first appear. For example, the school bully usually is not the super tough, carefree individual you might assume. There is normally some pain inside him that he is trying to push away.
Obviously he is going about it entirely the wrong way, but for the most part, we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available.
Emotional Differences Between Men and Women
When a man they are attracted to reveals a vulnerability, the inbuilt mothering nature kicks in. They want to help him become even stronger and better. When a woman starts caring on this level, it very quickly escalates to love.
This is why so many women stay with aggressive and unattentive men. They understand that the negative character traits are coming from the frightened child inside and they believe they could help, just given a chance.
I encourage you to learn as much as you can about the differences between the sexes. There will never be a one size fits all communication approach. You will always have to tailor your pitch to the audience in front of you. Remember, men are a switch and women are a dial.
About the author: Craig Beck ABNLP, ABHYP, DhP ([email protected]) is a bestselling personal development author, speaker, and coach. He has written several leading books and audiobooks on the subject of persuasion and influence. Including, The Hypnotic Salesman, The New Science of Persuasion & Influence and his new book Bulletproof Persuasion.